This time off and recovery period from Covid has afforded me the time to really look at my impulse of doing. Where does it come from? The old program of ‘should do’ versus ‘feel like’. I choose the word ‘feel’ over ‘want‘ because for me the impulse comes from feeling into my body and noticing physical sensation in terms of desire or lack of desire. Of course we all have things on our list of to do’s but if our life becomes a continual list we fall into monotony and discontent. Before the Covid illness there really was not much balance in my life. I rarely did things out of the impulse of what I really felt like doing.
This list of shoulds could find its way in what you eat, how are you dress. Who you hang with. What exercise you do. Now of course there is a societal code of ethics that we must all adhere to to get along in the world but have we lost our innate personal wisdom to the collective wants and shoulds?
It makes me wonder if our muddled understanding of our queries in life, could be as simple as the disconnection from the body. The perpetual living in the mind. A walking head. By dropping our spirit into the body we inhabit ourselves fully. Our lower belly and gut, our second brain, guiding us with natural instinct of survival and will. Our upper chest and heart, our inner flame, sovereign, guiding us from love and compassion. It’s like we’ve been trying to make decisions with only a third of our capacity. Not understanding that the balance between the body and the mind, the Yin and Yang must be fulfilled before that wholeness of understanding can be complete.
I remember as a young woman in my 20s first encountering my freedom and initiation into adulthood and at the same time I had no idea what my desires and wants were. I did not hear that inner voice telling me which path was the right one to take. Now this led to a lot of anxiety and stress. Never feeling quite certain that I was in the place I was meant to be. As I’ve aged, I see so many others following the collective and in the perpetual seeking outside of them selves. It’s like we’ve turned ourselves off on the inside and expect the answers to come from without.
Now I speak of this as if there is an inner you and an outer you but in actuality, it is all you. The people you meet, situations that arise, life... all you leading you back to you. When we find presence in the moment, that distilled silent you, knows the choices that it ‘feels’ to make in every situation. And how do you know it’s you, I think perhaps it can be by the sense of peace and calm. A knowing.... Knowing is just knowing, there is no question.